Reinventing the Flop, For the Players.

Nobody, and for $199.99 that’s just fucking retarded, Sony are fucking retarded. Obviously in a bid to capture the limelight of Valve’s successful Steam Deck portable PC, Sony have announced their spiritual successor to the PSOne Mini and just so happens to be even more anti-consumer to actual players than their proprietary UMD riddled PSP / VITA.

A handheld buddy to the PlayStation 5, the PlayStation “Portable” which is anything but actually portable once we get into the actual details.

Sony announced the PlayStation Portable, featuring an 8-inch 1080p LCD screen fused together with a DualSense-esk controller and will “allow” you to play PlayStation 5 games and only PlayStation 5 games in the palms of your hand, because for whatever reason you simply cannot just pick up a regular controller and turn on the TV.

I ask you, who the actual fuck wants a handheld device that shackles you down to owning a PlayStation 5 console?

Because this retarded “handheld” if you can even call it that, essentially forces you into ownership of a $400-500+ PlayStation 5 system, but that’s not the kicker, the real kick in the nuts comes when you realize that this godforsaken waste of plastic doesn’t support Bluetooth connectivity, you are forced to connect it on the same WiFi network as the main system itself, so for instance you won’t be playing your PS5 games away from your home.

No outside gaming, indoor use only, inside the same building as the system itself, there’s literally no fucking purpose in using this pile of shit outside of passing it towards your friend for a co-op session as if it were a Mad Catz controller if that’s even possible (probably not).

So what purpose does this thing have? Not a fucking clue, remember the horrible streaming functionality with the PlayStation Vita? Well that’s the whole gimmick for this machine, it’s a less functional Wii U tablet. You cannot stream cloud games on it, despite it requiring a constant WiFi connection, oh and it has a short battery life of around 3-4 hours.

Imagine receiving this piece of shit as a present when you don’t even own a PS5.

At least it comes with a 3.5mm headphone jack, but without Bluetooth if you want to use a wireless headphone solution you’re going to have to buy a PlayStation Link compatible device, such as the brand new Airpod Pro Pulse Elite and Explorer for the low price of $150-200.

I do however wonder if the retards who’ll buy them because I can guarantee you that this will sell by the millions, considering how Sony fans are among the most loyal or rather insane bunch of idiots on the planet, will complain about the controller “drifting” though considering how Nintendo still manages to sell tens of thousands of Switches every single week I imagine modern consumers have come to accept controller stick drift as a natural way of life.

I can’t help but question Sony’s decisions with this one, not the fact that this “handheld system” is a total fucking scam, but rather they could also have sold a proprietary WiFi router as a hard requirement for the PlayStation Portable too. Maybe next time.